Wednesday, February 9, 2011


I am beginning to realize I have lived most of my life doing things I don't really want to do, only because I am trying to fulfill the perceived expectations of those around me (parents, husband, kids, etc.).  Most of the time I find myself projecting what I think others want from me, instead of actually finding the courage to ask them straight up and the patience to wait for an answer.  More than anything I need to find the courage to ask myself what I really want from my life as well as the patience with myself to wait for answer.

A great spiritual teacher once said that 98% of people spend 98% of their time doing what doesn't matter.  For me, this 98% is when my "monkey mind" obsesses over everything from having drank too much to having slept too little.  It is where all guilt, self doubt, and low self esteem is born and raised.  My best defense for combating such wastes of time is by taking a moment of peace each day to meditate and call my authentic self to take over and hush the monkey mind in order to live the life I am meant to live.  Is it any wonder I took a year off of my life to hang out with Cosmic Charlie and smoke pot everyday?

It is Confusion, Restlessness, Whimsy, Hysteria, Hopelessness, Dissatisfaction, and Constant Need For Control who seem to be the team members currently taking the field in the game of my life lately. Peace, Heart, Spirit, Balance, Non-Judgement, Silence, and Stillness have been benched for too long and I am ready to switch things up and see what happens.  While my newly discovered Type-A personality has been the loving parent of many successes in my life, it is also the wicked step-mother who gives me a shiny red apple to bite into - only then to find myself trapped in a peaceful sleep for many years.  (And I don't want to have to rely on a charming prince to wake me up from this one - I just don't think my husband Ken would go for that idea.)

My old friend the late, great, writer and "all around man extraordinaire" Chuck Saults once taught me a very valuable lesson about trying too hard to steer our own lives and the consequences involved when we do so.  Although he was talking about another topic entirely, which I will just refer to as "unmentionable," Chuck had a great analogy which I will use in reference to living a life ruled by the monkey mind:
"After the Titanic brushed the iceberg, an officer is alleged to have asked, 'Did we hit it?'  A crewman is supposed to have responded, 'No sir.  It hit us.'  As an explanation for how you get into [the things in life you really shouldn't be getting into], this is about as apt as it gets...and carrying this analogy one step further, sooner or later [you] will discover - as your [Monkey Mind] boat begins its final plunge - that there aren't enough lifeboats for everyone." - Chuck Saults
This analogy teaches me that when my ideas about how things should be get as big as the Titanic, it is probably time to back off and let go of the helm before I ram my whole life right into a giant iceberg.  Followed by leaving all the women and children in my life crying when word gets back to shore of how, this time, Carrie really went overboard for good.


  1. So much to think about! And that you for the visual - loving having the photo match the post.

  2. And THANK YOU for the visual.

  3. Thanks Veronica, I am still trying to figure out the technology of this blog and I appreciate your feedback. From the vibe I get from your "comments," I am feeling quite certain that you are a gorgeous woman with so much to offer the world!

  4. Why Carrie, your vibe is right on - your description of me is quite accurate. Your skills as a writer are just as impressive as your ability to read people by their written word.

  5. I can definitely relate to those little mind monkeys, I fight with them most days. Sometimes I win and sometimes they do. I’m still trying to find the best way to keep them caged. Thanks for the great post.