Thursday, February 10, 2011


I love men.  God knew exactly what he was doing when he created me to be a heterosexual woman.  Despite a long run in my life of making epically poor decisions in the men I choose to share my time with; I have no regrets as to the experiences I have had - or the lessons I have learned from such experiences.  Being consistent with my desperate need to tame the distracting thoughts in my mind, I have organized men into four different categories when it comes to his performance as a lover.  The categories ranging from best to worst are as follows: 

The Artist
The Nerd
The Military Man
The Athlete

Before I go into further detail, I must first explain that EVERY man fits into one of these four categories as soon as his first substantially satisfying sexual experience takes place.  I say substantial because I operate from the "it doesn't count if it isn't any good" theory, which explains why I have lost my virginity three times and never actually cheated on my husband Ken.  The category is about who he was when he first started having sex, NOT the man he is today.  Also, my list allows for unlimited upward and downward mobility as the man matures throughout his life.  In short, The Athlete can become The Artist given the proper desire and curiosity, while The Artist can become The Athlete for reasons I still don't understand.

Let's start at the top and work our way down:

The Artist

The Artist is the man who expresses himself most comfortably through a craft which may include:  music, painting, writing, drawing, performing, or sculpture (think about the love scene in the movie "Ghost") - to name a few.  He may or may not be the best looking man in the room at first, but once his art-form is unleashed he then becomes exponentially more attractive in every possible way. Once you gain the attention of The Artist, he can make you feel as though you are the only woman in the world and he is here to delight in everything that is You. 

My best sexual experiences have always been with musicians or music aficionados.  One of my most favorite lifetime memories is when I stayed up all night with a college fling who played me his guitar while singing Jim Croce and James Taylor songs.  We drank red wine half naked in front of the fire, and built up hours of fantastic foreplay through music, talk, and touch.  Finally as the sun rose and reality began to creep back in, we made one last passionate effort to connect even further and we exploded together in a way which there are still no words for. 

Having the appreciation for the process is what, I believe, makes The Artist such a wonderful lover.  He takes his time living in the moment without being distracted by the eventual grand finale or issues of right and wrong.  There is no right or wrong in the eyes of The Artist, only the belief that any moment could be our last - so why not make the most of it in every way?  Also, The Artist is the most loving and least judgemental when it comes to adoring various female body types.  My Artist lovers have been most influential in helping me learn to love my body and divorce any old habits of self-loathing.  It was through the eyes of The Artist that I discovered that there was more to me than what modern society prefers to see.  The Artist showed me my soul. 

The Nerd

The Nerd is a man who is most comfortable and accomplished in technical or scientific pursuits, but unfortunately those accomplishments are overshadowed by his social ineptness.  He is typically the least physically attractive man in the room, as the hours spent at his computer leave little time for jogging and juicing.  But once you gain the attention of The Nerd, his physique will be the last thing on your mind due to his sexual skill and expertise.  Remember, this man likes to study and has spent endless hours surfing the net and fantasizing about what he will do to the female body once he can keep one around long enough to get her clothes off. 

Pleasing his girl rates very high on The Nerd's priority list.  Sometimes he is just so grateful you are giving him the time of day, that he feels compelled to wash your hair and paint your toes, then dress you up and take you out to the best restaurant in town.  His lack of sexual experience is discounted by his enthusiasm and ability to be a quick study.  Give this man enough time and he will be teaching You wild and crazy activities only known to those with access to the far reaches of sexual intensity. 

You also really can't hurt this guy's feelings.  His mind is always working so quickly to compute calculus functions and computer algorithms, that he rarely holds onto any thought or feeling which may get in the way of his "fun."  The one disadvantage with The Nerd is that they don't take heartbreak very well.  When the fling is truly over, it may actually go on for longer than you would like because you just can't stand the thought of putting this dear, sweet man right back where you found him.  Unlike The Artist, The Nerd doesn't have a pack of groupies waiting in the wings to soften the blow.  It will break your own heart just as much as it breaks his to say goodbye.

The Military Man

For now I will just say The Military Man is the second worst lover because he is everything The Athlete is, with the exception of two things.  His sexy uniform and advanced ability to protect you from danger can make the occasional romp well worthwhile, but don't invest too much in this man because you will always be left unsatisfied and possibly the subject of a federal investigation.  I will tell you that story later.

The Athlete

I believe I can assign the category of worst lover to The Athlete because of my "too many to count on one hand" sexual exercises with such a man.  From the high school baseball star to the Iron Man in training, I have sported with them all.  The Athlete is always the best looking guy in the room, and he knows it.  It is nearly impossible to gain the full attention of The Athlete due to his constant obessions including:  full-time flexing, mirror addiction, sun-tan seeking, calorie counting (both consumed and burned), weight lifting, weekly shopping trips to GNC, and uncontrollable urge to constantly compare his body to the bodies of those around him - including women's.

He lives every moment as if the results of his upcoming athletic competition depend entirely on the choices he makes right this minute - including what he eats, drinks, or chooses to exert his energy for (including sex.)  Every thought, feeling, and action in this man's life is defined as either "good" or "bad."  This comes across when he says things like, "I really need to get to the gym today," or "I shouldn't have eaten that, because now I am going to have to bike, swim, run, etc. that much more to counter-balance the damage I did."  For a woman, this is like being around the fourteen year old version of herself and needless to say, is NOT sexy. 

Between the sheets, The Athlete treats love making in the same way he runs his training sprints.  Always focusing on the finish line, instead of the details of how he got there, is his biggest downfall.  It is also difficult to tell if your Athlete is taking satisfaction from the sexual skills and attention you are bringing to the training table - (no to mention the fact that you are a woman with ideas and a soul) - or if his pleasure is strictly derived from experiencing the mechanics of his incredible body designed by himself and God.  He considers said design a 50/50 collaboration project.  The woman's role is more of a physical receptacle for his lust rather than an an equally fascinating creation of God.  Are you getting hot for this guy yet?

Because of The Athlete's narcissism, it is unlikely there will ever be any balance of power or satisfaction in your affair.  When the overall vibe of the sex is weighted too heavily in either direction, no one can really have a good time playing tug of war.  There must be a relatively even intent for each player when it comes to pleasing their partner.  I can't tell you how many times I circled the bases all the way "home" with this type, only to realize that I wasn't really home yet.  In fact, after first base the whole encounter became something of a frantic and sweaty acrobatic endeavor full of yoga moves minus the mind and body harmony side-effect.  The Athlete was already back in his uniform on the touring bus while I lay cold and naked with my hands full.

To sum it up, I still love all kinds of men despite their shortcomings.  All four categories, although fairly assessed in terms of male lovers, rank entirely differently when it comes to choosing a husband.  I believe that the perfect life partner is a combination of great lover, solid provider, faithful companion, and loving friend.  I am lucky enough to have found the perfect balance in my husband Ken.  As for trying to categorize women as lovers - don't even try.  We are WAY too complex, unpredictable, and inconsistent to be confined by such limitations.  What is hot and sexy to us one night - is disgusting and offensive the next.  Which is why we depend on men to be so stable and uncomplicated.  Men are the solid mountain and we are the weather which brings life to it - changing everyday with the seasons while giving The Athlete something to ski down, The Nerd something to study, The Military Man a place to hide, and The Artist inspiration for his craft.

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