Wednesday, April 6, 2011


"...and then I go and spoil it all by sayin' somethin' stupid like, 'I love you'."
                                                            --"Something Stupid" by C. Carson Parks

Have you ever had a talent for something you were completely unaware of until someone else pointed it out?  Well apparently I employ a very unique flair when it comes to my proclivity to talk dirty between the sheets.

This was pointed out to me once when a lover stopped mid-thrust, caught his breath, looked me in the eye and said, "Carrie...I have had a lot of chatty lovers in my life, but none that said quite the things you do."  I was a little confused because I figured everyone said these things during moments of passion and so I asked if I should just stay quite in order to not freak him out.  My lover quickly shook his head and encouraged me to continue on with wild abandon.

During my elementary years as a sexually active woman, every intimate encounter I had was a dysfunctional dance of somehow trying to gain back my inner power.  Having been molested during the dawn of my adolescence, I believed my sexual mystery and power as a woman had been stolen from me.  Sexually acting out was my way of trying to take back what had been done to me.  Being physically vulnerable and passionate with a man while simultaneously never letting myself really lose control was my attempt to replay the childhood abuse and somehow regain all I had lost.

I heard it said once that the one who loves the least controls the relationship.  Operating from such a fearful misunderstanding of what real intimacy was, I believed in order to "win" in the relationship you must always make the other person think you love him more than he loves you, even if it is not true.  Especially if it is not true.  This inflates and bolsters the man's ego giving him a false sense of power, domination, and confidence in the relationship.  That way, he never pays much attention to the fact that you are completely available whenever something better comes along.

Purely for self protective purposes I lived out this mental manipulation during every relationship I ever had. My second rule was to NEVER say, "I love you" first.  The only thing those three words accomplished was ensuring forfeiture of the game and complete surrender to the enemy.

(Is it making more sense as to why I have been in therapy for twenty-five years and that it took me seven years, a team of relationship experts, and A LOT of magic fairy dust for me to meet my husband Ken at the altar as my truly authentic and vulnerable self?)

So it is out of this foundation of scrambled dysfunction that the dirty talker in me was born. It was when I would find myself losing mental and emotional control of myself during sex that I would find myself beginning to moan and groan the words, "I love you!"  Not because I really loved the guy or even cared anything about seeing him again after our encounter, but because this seemed the easiest way to express my feelings of gratitude for someone noticing me.  For pathetic as it sounds, it was only during sexual interaction that I felt truly worthwhile and real.

Because of my issues about not losing control, I would catch myself and stop mid-"YOU" of the "I love you" and verbally slide into "YOUUUURRRRRR COCK FILLING UP MY PUSSY"...or..."I love IT when you...(fill in the blank)."  The "I love (blank)" part always needed to be followed up with further dirty talk expanding on the first outburst so that he didn't catch on to my improv performance and really think I was forfeiting the game and letting him "win."  I would quickly continue describing our current physical act and how "hot/excited/wet/swollen/horny/etc." any or all of my body was reacting to the original "I LOVE - whatever."

Once you start with a sentence like, "I love feeling the way your hard cock feels in my slippery pussy!" words like, "Please just keep fucking me all night long!" and "You are making me so fucking wet - I can't stand it!" easily flow from your tongue.  Throwing in a few moans, gasps, and heavy breathing along the way are great no-brainers while you are mentally composing your next line of "Fuck me like a dirty little whore!" or "Every part of me is wanting you to fill it up!"

Nowadays I share the talents of my past with Ken on somewhat of a regular basis.  It is a completely different experience when being naughty with someone out of love instead of fear.  Sex is much more rewarding both physically and spiritually when both partners can truly be naked with their bodies as well as their souls.  And when that level of intimacy is achieved, the results are fucking phenomenal!

Somethin' Stupid -- Frank Sinatra

1 comment:

  1. Bravo Carrie Valium. In just a few short paragraphs you were able to make me laugh, blush, and wet. And not necessarily in that order.