Wednesday, February 2, 2011


...Or to quote the fans of The Great Darcelle XV, "That's NO Lady!"

I started off being raised to be the very typical and socially appropriate daughter of my much beloved parents John Wayne and Joan Crawford.  Although Joan was the very active parent throughout my sex education; John played what you would call the passive role.  If fact, I am not even certain my father knows I have started my period yet despite being the grandfather to my children.  I accept that the part of the brain requiring him to think of his baby girl in terms of a sexual woman doesn't exist.  That's okay with me.

This is the story of my derailment and eventual destination to what now, most in society consider to be a quite comfortable and bawdy approach I take in conversations regarding sex. 

As a registered nurse, my mother Joan was passionate about raising her children to be more informed on such delicate topics compared to her own experience with sexual education as an adolescent.  Like my friend Shelia, Mom was also a bright young Catholic woman who confused her religious teachings on the order of marriage, sex, and children.  But unlike my friend Shelia, in 1966 my mother didn't have as much freedom to put the motherhood horse, so to speak, before the marriage cart.  (Although, I am pretty sure even the most pious civilizations have been putting the sex horse before the marriage cart since the beginning of time while widely escaping eternal damnation.)  But Joan got lucky and married her baby's Daddy before her bump was too big for her to fit into her older sister's haute couture white gown, and walked down the isle.  Now, Joan and John have been happily (for the most part), married with four children for almost a half a century.

"Mom can we please stop talking about where babies come from?" I remember saying and thinking from a very young age.  Another idea I agree with my Mom on is taking the taboo out of the topic of sex and teach your children age appropriate sexual education from birth.  I remember trying to console Mandy McMahon on the playground in early elementary school  who was crying because she thought she was going to get pregnant from kissing a boy.  "Sit down Mandy, I need to set you straight about some things...."  I began.  Yes, I was always THAT girl.  I also credit myself for diverting potential tragedy in high school and college by interceding in my "contraception challenged" friend's lives and walking them to the door of Planned Parenthood to pick up condoms and get on the pill.

During my pre-teen years I became the victim, and later survivor, of sexual abuse.  This experience turned my whole world upside down and caused my healthy attitude about sex to jump the tracks.  Fallout from this unfortunate experience caused me to dissociate myself during healthy, normal teen sexual exploration. I define "dissociation" in psychological terms: a psychological defense mechanism in which specific, anxiety-provoking thoughts, emotions, or physical sensations are separated from the rest of the psyche.  The fallout also propelled me to match my peer's sexual escapades, act for act, while at the same time disabling the part of my brain which told me, "enough is enough" and "time to stop now."

I continued on a very salacious and clandestine path of random sexual encounters with, "the public schoolboys" throughout my adolescence.   I was working from the "never shit where you eat" principle, so I never acted out with the boys from my own private school - which in turned maintained my squeaky clean reputation during my formative formal education.  I continued in this direction until my final break and road to recovery at age 19 which re-directed me on a path of healing and living my authentic life.

Today, in spite of all my advances in re-associating my mind and integrating my life, I still hold tight to one surviving relic.  I have NO SHAME, EMBARRASSMENT, or HESITATION in talking about matters of sex.  This is especially clear when I am having a few beers in a pub with a group of drunken sailors just in port from years at sea.  I can match those foul mouthed bastards with "naughty idea" for "naughty idea" and even make a few blush.  Well eventually, they ALL blush.  Unfortunately, this proud talent of mine is still not appreciated by modern society in general because I have a vagina, instead of a penis, between my legs.  (At least while I am writing there is not a penis between my legs - yet.)  See how I am?  Smile.

Presently in my fully self-actualized, happily, faithfully married, mature, therapy junkied existence - I have evolved my attitudes regarding "sex and the good girl," married and otherwise into the following creed:

I believe God gave man and woman our sexuality as a GIFT.  The Divine wants us to have as many orgasms as possible so long as it doesn't involve animals and children AND/OR cause harm to ourselves and the world around us.  Sweet Spirit above also does not want us to spoil our healthy sexual escapades with guilt, shame, or any other fear-based  concept.  Gifts are meant to be accepted with gratitude and enjoyment, not with guilt and fear.
As a practicing Catholic I struggle with The Church's current teachings on sex and morality.  I pray and meditate daily for God's guidance about what I should put in print regarding my own personal beliefs and actions.  I continue to be open to whatever The Divine has to tell me.  I just know that deep in my soul, how can my NATURALLY bawdy and brassy style in matters of pillow-talk be "WRONG" in the eyes of an ever-loving God The Father?  It is SO much of who I am and my intentions are always coming from a place of love.  I am banking on my belief that I am just ahead of the curve in relation to Rome on this one. 

All that being said, from now on I have decided to refuse to waste energy by censoring myself in terms of sex talk.  Now, who here in Portland wants to go see "The Expert Guide to Female Orgasms with Tristan Taormino" event coming up at She Bop on Feb 13th?

It's going to be a fucking fabulous night of fun facts and I can't wait to tell you all about it!  Anyone up for carpooling?


  1. What a better world it would be, if we removed the shame and guilt that surrounds sex. I actually believe rape and sexual abuse would end if all the fucked up hangups and wrong teachings about sex would end. Plus not only is it really fun to have sex it is also fun to talk about it, and read about it so keep it coming!

  2. It is so refreshing to hear from like-minded people. Now go get some! :)

  3. I think you are way ahead of Rome on this one and I hope to God they catch up someday. Although I am not holding my breath!

  4. Thanks Betsy! Continue breathing and hope for the best - I'll do the same!