Friday, March 4, 2011


Back in my early twenties I spent a weekend in Tulsa with my best friend Eartha and her local girlfriends "Sex And The City" style all dressed up in our high priced (not yet paid for) slutty looking attire taking on the bars and nightlife like pros.  It's not that I was particularly hideous looking, but next to my starving to be skinny/super-model looking girlfriends I was definitely not the first pick for plucking by the playboys we all flirted with throughout the night.  I was typically the funny one that the guys talk to while either staring at my boobs or tyring to make eye contact with my girlfriends in order to score with them for the night.

After the bars closed we five girls headed back to Chrissy's apartment which was on the top floor of an old mansion by the medical center.  As we approached the house we noticed a large group of cute guys partying right next door.  Responding to their cat calls and without saying anything to one another, we walked right past Chrissy's place and directly up the porch stairs and through the open door of what we found out to be a bachelor party beginning to wind down.  I don't think anyone realized what a dangerous mix of scantily clad drunk girls and plastered party boys was truly about to take place.

I made my way with Heather and Jennifer back to the kitchen where the keg was and we struck up a conversation with three hunky party stragglers.  The cutest one, Sterling, laughed really hard at my tasteless joke telling and the next thing I knew we were standing face to face engaged in an extremely interesting discussion about his experiences as a gynecology resident.  All the guys were medical residents who were a week away from graduation and they were throwing a Congratulations/Bachelor party for one of guys in the mix.

As happens so often in my life, one minute I was innocently talking to this guy and the next thing I knew I could feel myself lying in the cool grass under the stars passionately making out with Sterling while we grinded up against one another.  I honestly have NO IDEA how I got from point A to point B. This very strange momentary "black-out" has always puzzled me and is one of the things on my list to tell my therapist about after we get through the more pressing issues of keeping me from abandoning my family in order to become a third live-in "Goddess" to an old friend in Southern California who works in the entertainment industry.

So back to my story.  Once I finally realized we were rolling around in the summer grass, I asked if there was anywhere more comfortable we could move to as I was too modest to get naked in the fenceless urban green space.  Sterling led me back into the house and upstairs to his bedroom.  I didn't realize he lived there and was actually quite impressed with his tastefully decorated bedroom which stood out from the rest of the "college-frat-house" look of the rest of the house.  He had his medical text books neatly piled around his antique roll-top desk, lighting provided by three Tiffany lamps, and very fresh top of the line bedding which coordinated with the wall paint.

Lying comfortably in his bed, we continued to mess around on something slightly above a PG-13 level.  Between touching and tasting one another, I became fascinated by his honesty and willingness to answer all the questions every girl my age was way too shy to ask her own gynecologist.  He even suggested a different birth control pill for me to switch to as the one I was currently taking was giving me headaches.  Sterling was a really sweet guy and I started to feel a very friendly and less romantic connection towards him.  Of course that didn't stop me from pushing the sexual envelope with him - I figured I would test this man to see how much he really knew about the needs of women since he was dedicating the rest of his life to caring for them.

While basking in the recovery phase of pleasure, I casually complimented Sterling's decorating touch and asked him if he was going to be a part of the wedding and when it was taking place.  His answer was shocking and yet typical at the same time.  "Next weekend, and I am the groom" he said without missing a beat.  "WHAT THE FUCK!!!"  I thought, but then I quickly calmed down as I remembered I did live 3000 miles away and wouldn't be talking to this guy ever again anyway - so what did it matter?  Gee - just when you think you really know someone...

Now this is the part where I should have just gotten up, found my girlfriends downstairs, and headed back to Chrissy's apartment to go to bed alone.  But of course, this is Me I am talking about.  

Sterling went on to tell me how he was feeling pretty ambivalent about getting married and how he wished his guy friends liked his fiance and would they please just stop referring to her as, "The Bitch" all the time.  The bedding and the lamps I liked so much were wedding gifts from their registry and now the inconsistent decor of the entire house made sense to me. In spite of this very important new found revelation of Sterling's, not much changed in our continued physical activity with one another until I heard what sounded like a pack of wild boars running up the stairs.

The door to Sterling's room flew open and one of the guys from earlier, who was with us at the keg in the kitchen, ran in and pulled me off the bed assertively whispering, "Fuck dude!  SHE'S HERE!!!"  Sterling quickly jumped back in his clothes and smoothed over the bed while "guy with no name" snatched up my clothes and pulled me into the hallway while I heard the clickity clack of high heels coming up the stairs.  Next I heard The Bitch start yelling, "WHERE IS SHE?!!!"  My new date threw me on the bed in a room down the hall from Sterling's and just kind of jumped on top of me and started to furiously grope and kiss me while telling me "To pretend like I was with him all along."

By this time I was half scared for my life, and half just really tired from a long night and decided that it was time to get out of there.  I could hear the soon to be newlyweds (and most likely soon after to be divorcees) arguing in Sterling's room with the door closed.  As I frantically put my dress and sandals back on I suddenly realized I had left my purse with Guy #1.  Everything I needed, including my plane ticket home, was in that Coach bag and I saw no way to leave it behind.  Calling on the courage of my ancestor's all the way back to Esther from the bible, I took a deep breath and barged right through Sterling's bedroom door. Without even looking at the two blurry figures to my right, I scooped up my purse and ran down the stairs towards the front door.

Guy with no name raced after me and shoved my forgotten bra in my purse as I exited the now practically empty house.  Apparently the party had long been over and none of my girlfriends felt like interrupting me long enough to tell me they were headed home.  The Bitch's bachelorette bride's maids were gathered in the front lawn smoking cigarettes and trying to decided who should drive home.  I held my breath as I sprinted past them hoping to God they had no idea what was really going on. 

Amazingly I made it up the back stairs to Chrissy's apartment. As soon as I slammed Chrissy's door behind me and dead-bolted the door, I turned around to find my four accessories to the night staring at me with the look of heavy judgement in their eyes.  "Carrie, Sterling is getting married next weekend - why did you hook up with him?!" Heather yelled at me as if I had any knowledge of this important fact before I slutted-out.

"NOTHING HAPPENED!  We were just talking..." I lamely responded with the level of logic I hadn't tapped since I was thirteen years old.

"Then why is your dress on backwards and inside out and your bra about to fall out of your purse?" Eartha said casually without judgement or criticism, "Sure looks to me like you had a really great time!"  This is why she is one of my oldest and dearest friends, Eartha has a magical way of always loving me just the way I am while refusing to put up with my bullshit and she never misses an opportunity to call attention to it.

I guess the best lesson I learned from that night is to always be exactly clear about who is in the bridal party (or who is currently any type of groom for that matter) before randomly hooking up with ANYONE at a bachelor party.  I now understand why strippers are usually the only type of women at these functions, and how important the employment of their body-guard is.  Oh, PLUS the part about never to trust a philandering man who tells you that the naked chick in the house is with his friend down the hall.


  1. Carrie, this is one of the best stories I've heard you tell and it was fun to read about it again. Do you remember when I made out in the bar with the old college basketball player who didn't invite me back to his place in Suncreek? Neither of us could understand it until weeks later when we found out he was married. Loser. By the way - have you Googled Dr. Sterling?

  2. I would LOVE go Google Dr. Sterling - but I cannot remember his name! So typical. And as for your rendezvous in Suncreek, I remember it well...FIREPOWER!!!

  3. Hilarious!!! Always crazy times in Tulsa!!!